Oh, come on now, everyone. I don't think Martin is asking for any advice. I think he's just being provocative or trying to be clever. Personally, I think he succeeded. By the way, a small thing. The landlord should tell the signmaker about a second mistake. the "And" that appeared on the original sign should not have been capitalized.
It should have read: "The Pig and Whistle"

When I was in grade school, some 35 or 40 years ago, the word irregardless was not in the dictionary. At the time, it was not considered a word. Today, it is listed in the dictionary. While it might be listed as, slang, vulgar, colloquial, or obscene, it most definitely has become a word. I would suggest avoiding its use if you want to appear educated.
This reminds me, if boning a chicken means to take out the bones, what is deboning? putting the bones back in?

It's simply a metaphor, perhaps a dead one. Imagine measuring and marking a piece of wood, cutting it, then measuring it again, discovering that it was cut to the wrong size.

In most (not all) cases, further can be used in place of farther, but there are more cases where farther can not be used in place of further.

Yes, fowlerfan, I stand corrected. In any case, I think you would agree though, coulda is not a clitic, just the -a is the clitic.

I'm a little confused, Fowlerfan. Dickens and Eels DO end in an "-iz" sound, so why did you add the 's?

As was said, one use of "according to so and so..." is to lend authority to the rest of the statement. I think that often when you hear "according to me..." the speaker is not so subtly suggesting that THEY are an authority and that you should give extra weight to their opinion.

I would have to agree with many of the comments below.
Certainly ellipses are not exactly equivalent to commas, but they do have more uses besides signifying omitted text in a quote.
In particular, an ellipsis may signify the passage of time. This use is 100% grammatically and formally correct. The only reason you don't see it used this way much in formal writing is because it is unusual to WANT to signify a pause in formal writing! It's done all the time in creative or biographical writing, especially in quoted conversation. Example:

"That'll be a dollar thirty two."
"Here you are.... Hey! Thats not the correct change!"

The ellipsis signifies the passage of time, allowing you to picture the store clerk taking the money, opening the register, making the change, and then, aha, the customer discovering the error.

remember, there was a time when syrup of epicac was kept in every medicine cabinet, especially if one had children.

I, too, have never heard ideal in place of idea. I can tell you that as a striving and moral person I do have ideals, and in some contexts might stress one particular one by saying I have an ideal. Is it possible that this is what you have encountered?